The Superbowl - Pro Sports Wrestlemania?

As I made my way to the bottom of my 2nd bottle of Jack Daniels this past weekend, I was posed with an interesting query. Apparently, in the midst of wailing some Bon Jovi at the top of my lungs, I mentioned to a rather large group of peers of my excitement regarding the upcoming WWE ppv, the Royal Rumble. Aghast that their friend could watch such ludicrous programming, my friends began pestering me as to why I, at age 27, still tune into professional wrestling, and (worse yet) still PAY to watch their epic monthly shows.

Of course, being completely tanked, answering this question posed too many problems at 11:48 Saturday night. After returning home on Sunday and actually having time to reflect, I’ve decided to do my part in explaining this phenomenon. To aid in this endeavor, I will be comparing traditional sports fans’ mecca of all events, the upcoming Superbowl, with the world of professional wrestling’s equivalent, WrestleMania.

Greatest Moment
Wrestlemania
Everyone’s hero, the immortal Hulk Hogan, body slamming the indestructible force known as Andre the Giant. In front of 70,000 plus fans crowded into the old Silverdome in Detroit, Hogan battled incredible odds to take down the biggest, baddest, meanest SOB the wrestling world had seen. And he did it with pure strength, in front of the largest (to date) professional wrestling crowd in the US, as well as the largest (to date) PPV purchasing viewing audience in US history.

Superbowl
Joe Namath’s guarantee that his double-digit point underdog New York Jets were going to take down the NFL’s version of Andre the Giant, the Baltimore Colts. Some may debate the greatness level of a variety of Superbowl plays or events, but insofar as results go, this was clearly the game that made this spectacle what is today by making the fans of New York and the national media take notice. Whether or not Broadway Joe’s sobriety should have been in question when he uttered his now famous guarantee notwithstanding, the fact that the Colts laid an egg large enough to make even the Dallas Mavericks of the 2007 NBA playoffs proud is enough to vault this Superbowl memory into the limelight.

Winner - Wrestlemania
The key about professional wrestling is in convincing your audience that you have a monster that no one can beat, and then allowing your top superstar to take this beast down at the most appropriate moment. When Hogan dropped Andre, it proved to the wrestling world that there was a new kid in town, and it propelled Hogan and the WWE into the forefront of 1980’s entertainment. When Joe upset the Colts, there was shock and awe, but no passing of the torch. The Colts just weren’t good enough that day, and remained a dominating force in the upcoming years. For wrestling, there is conclusion and transition in place with upsets. For other sports, upsets typically recall bad referees, a few lucky bounces, and the occasional birth of a new star. Cleary, the dominating event of Wrestlemania 3 outweighs the overhyped Broadway Joe guarantee.
Determining your Participants
Wrestlemania
To main event the Granddaddy of Em All, Wrestlemania, a wrestler must complete perhaps the most daunting task in all of wrestling - win the Royal Rumble. In essence, you must find a way to throw 29 other scantily clad behemoths over the top rope onto the floor below, all while making sure you never get tossed yourself. Do this - and you will find yourself fighting the WWE title. Do it not - and find yourself splattered onto the floor of shame next to some monster named Snitsky.

Superbowl
In many cases, all you have to do to make your way to the NFL title game is win 2 home games. That’s right - after 16 grueling weeks of regular season play, teams more often than not earn their way into the Superbowl by playing back to back home games. What kind of a test is that? The top seeds in each conference will be guaranteed home field advantage up to the Superbowl.

Advantage: Wrestlemania
Honestly, who wouldn’t want to see all 12 NFL playoff teams fighting it out at one stadium, on one day, with a winner take all format in place. Hell, we could even have an over the top rumble style match - you think Michael Strahan wouldn’t love to step into that kind of mayhem with Tom Brady? The only way the NFL playoffs could be any lamer would be if they made some computers pull some numbers out of the chipasses and created something called the BCS…Truth be told, the sweaty man battle royal brings more drama than any AFC or NFC Championship Game (including the Green Bay loss two weeks ago) has in recent memory. Just this last week, an injured superstar came back to the WWE after a prolonged absence, 8 months prior to his expected return to win the Rumble. Think about that - what if Trent Green had returned from his season ending concussion this year to lead the Dolphins to the Superbowl? And it happened just two weeks ago? Of course, this is the same league which produces whiners like LT, who can’t even finish games he starts because of a “strained” MCL.

Commercials
Superbowl
Even I can admit, these are often the highlight of the game. Nothing comes close - as far as commercials go, this is as good as it gets.

Wrestlemania
No commercials.

Advantage: Wrestlemania
What could be better than the best commercials? How about NO commercials. Sure, Wrestlemania on PPV costs you more than over the air free Superbowl broadcasts - but if you could eliminate the commercials from the Superbowl, you would have a program that lasts less than 2 hours of actual entertainment. Think of all the extra time you would have on Superbowl Sunday!

Cost
Superbowl
The game itself costs nothing. If you have a TV and rabbit ears, viewing the game is your God given right until the day you die. Simply set up the tube and catch the game.

Wrestlemania
Most years, the WWE charges $49.95 for the right to watch their premier event. This year, they have extended their offer to $59.95 for the HD broadcast.

Advantage: Wrestlemania
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Andy! How is $59.95 for one show and $0 for another create an advantage for the NONFREE program? Let’s dive a little deeper into those costs, shall we? Of course, no one can just WATCH the free broadcast of the Superbowl. Most people throw parties. And do you know when most large screen HD televisions get bought up around this country? Your first inclination might lead you to the Holidays and Christmas time. Your first inclination ought to have its ass kicked. More TVs are bought in the weeks leading up to the Superbowl than at any other time of the year. Fact. So now you’ve dropped $2000 on the TV and HD setup alone. Don’t forget to add up the costs associated with throwing a party…What party you say? The one you decided to throw when you chose to shell out the big bucks for your new TV. What kind of a doucebag has a new HD TV to watch for the Superbowl and doesn’t invite over his 157 closest friends? By now, between the beer and the dip and wings and chips and napkins and margaritas (because your 157 buddies are bringing over their 157 wives for those damn commercials), you are well on your way to spending $6000 for this one stinking game. Just think - if you rented the Wrestlemania, you could have dropped the cost of the PPV and bought yourself a pizza for less than $75. And trust me, you won’t get 157 buddies to come over for wrestling (I’ve tried), and you can damn-sure bet their wives will stay as far away as humanly possible.

The list could go on and on. For example - would you rather have a bunch of women over so you could spend the game explaining the ins-and-outs of what 3rd and 6 means (and potentially missing a huge play because of your growing frustration with the lack of brain size most females have when it comes to understanding the simplicities of sports?!?!) or just 3 dudes come over for the PPV with some beers and quiet reflection time (reflecting on why someone would vault themselves through a table off a 45 foot ladder).

It seems clear - the next time one of your friends shows excitement for an upcoming wrestling ppv which will determine the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania, you might want to think twice before mocking his passions. You might end up having to read another blog like this one…