I hate OJ Simpson

What is wrong with sports today? Where to begin? The brawl in Miami? Covered that one already. How about waking up to find out that in the last week, Bob Knight jaw jacked some kid (who actually LIKED it?!) and OJ Simpson is putting on an interview on what he would have done had he actually killed his wife and her lover!

Great. Just friggin great! People often ask me, “Andy, why do you have so much worthless sports knowledge in your head? Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than follow this stuff?” After silently cursing under my breath, I usually fling some kind of donkey dung at the questioner about using sports as a release from an otherwise stressful and repetitive day. You see, sports is supposed to be the place where you can immerse yourself in following the achievements and failures of others while not worrying about whether people will get hurt, killed, or destroyed publicly in the process. I mean, it’s a GAME, right?

I feel the life draining from the argument the older I get. I can’t tell if that is my maturation processes telling me that there ARE more important things in life than sports, or whether I am becoming jaded with the whole concept. Don’t mistake me here, I have no intention of giving up my die hard sport habits, but I’ve got an idea that would be a wonderful addition to all fans like me who wish sports was about just that – sports.

You know how Tivo, DirecTv, Cox, Time Warner, and all those cable providers offer those child proof technologies? Wouldn’t it be great if we had one to “sports relevancy” proof our sporting programming? Let me clarify – when I go home for lunch, I tune into ESPN to find out about information about the upcoming OSU vs. Michigan football game. The pertinent information, like what Michigan plans to do to slow down Troy Smith, what the Ohio State defense secondary will do to contain Mario Manningham. These things matter to me, because I want to see the drama played out before me on Saturday and watch these games within the game.

But what do I get instead? Another story about OJ Simpson!!! Is there a more despicable human being on the planet this side of Osama bin Laden? I mean this guy murders his wife and her lover, slashes them to pieces, and gets away with it. Sure, the prosecutors in the case were dumber than the dog crap on the bottom of my boots, but still – that was one case which should have been easier than getting into Anna Nicole Smith’s pants if you’re a rich old dude. But noooooooo, Simpson and his team of crack (and yes, I mean the drug) attorneys lead by the now (thank goodness) deceased Johnnie Cochran had to wiggle their way out the obvious, using the race card to their benefit. Fine. A multi-murderer got away. But should we really be forced to relive the incident every time Simpson comes up short on his finances? How much do you think Fox is paying for his interview which is coming up in late November?

Furthermore, the title of the book is called, “If I did it”. Dude, jackass, news flash you piece of crap, YOU DID IT. Let’s see if I can sum up the substance of the book: If I did it, I would blame LAPD for being racist, get away with murdering my children’s mother, lose a civil lawsuit and go bankrupt, write a book called If I did it, and make some money to pay back the victim’s families” Gee, it sounds an awful lot like what really happened, huh? If I had my way, I would find OJ, kick him as hard as I could in the nads, and send him on an expedition to find the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks in Afghanistan (Lord knows he has proven his ability to track down mass murderers before – remember his pledge to find the REAL killers when he was found innocent? Guess what, he found the killer, and now wrote a book about it!)

And if I have to hear about Bobby Knight punching that scruffy haired honky from Texas Tech one more time I am going to vomit. I don’t care. Coach at a school which consistently wins basketball games, and become relevant to the college basketball world again, and I might give a crap. Otherwise, accept three things in life 1) Death 2) Taxes 3) Bob Knight beating up his players.

These issues could easily be ignored if we had our sports filter in place on my TV. I think I’ll cut this short and make a call to my cable provider right now. (after I stop at the bookstore to reserve my copy of this new book I heard was coming out…)